Wednesday, 3 January 2018

December 2017

Not too much to write about this month, life’s pretty boring. I’ve now applied for about fifty jobs, as office manager, office assistant, LGV Cat C, or forklift, and all I’ve had back is three rejections, and a lot of silence. It’s getting a bit depressing, but at least I have alcohol to make things better.

No, oh wait, it’s now January, and Marc and I are in a competition to see who can lose the most weight. A large part of the competition is not to drink any alcohol for all of January – great, there goes my comfort blanket!

I am registered on several job websites, and have put down what I’m capable of, and set the search radius to twenty miles from King’s Lynn. There are plenty of jobs popping up, problem is they’re in Birmingham, London, Edinburgh – all of which it turns out are within twenty-bloody-miles of King’s Lynn. Who knew that King’s Lynn is the central hub between them all.

Although I am now closer to age sixty than I am fifty, I still enjoy playing video games; my favourite at the moment is Company of Heroes, which is a strategy game, where I get to play as either British, American, or German soldiers. It’s fun trying to outwit the enemy and involves artillery, tanks, and infantry, in other words it’s a challenge. 

A new game has appeared on my radar, it’s one that I will never, ever, play, even if you take hold of, and squeeze very hard, my testicles. The game is called ‘Ice Lakes’, and I quote from Steams webpage:
‘Ice Lakes is a modern ice fishing simulator with different single and multiplayer game modes and sandbox approach to wintertime fishing. Use and customize wide selection of fishing gear and learn how changing season, bottom topology, time of day and weather conditions affects fish behaviour.’

I’ve had a look at the screen shots – you walk on to a frozen lake, drill a hole in the ice, and lower a fishing line. There does appear to be an exciting twist – it’s multiplayer. In other words, you can invite friends and family online to join you.

There is no demographic I can think of that would enjoy this game, perhaps to make things a bit edgy, throw in a sniper, or a zombie stripper, or a Tyrannosaurus Rex with an erection, do that and you’d increase the market tenfold, but a game where you simply dangle a bit of string through a hole and wait – fuck, even solitaire is more exciting!

Moving on, I have noticed a seemingly new trend of people using flashing collars on their dogs, the grass in front of my house, pre-dawn, looks like a UFO convention, as invisible dogs with green, blue or red flashing LEDs chase each other around and take a dump.

I wonder if anybody has done any research as to whether or not these collars effect the vision of the dogs, or whether these flashy things can give the dogs epilepsy, but then I remembered about Jack Russell’s and realised that there are already dogs out there that seem to already be suffering, and are still as annoying as fuck.

At one of the last car boots in December, Marc and I were treated to the sight of large fat bearded man wearing flowered (as in bedazzled) jeans and a bright pink fleece, but it was all dirty and scuffed, he looked a bit like a gay redneck who had been mud wrestling. The good thing was he made Marc and I look slim and well dressed, which makes a nice change.

A couple of friends came around for New Years Eve, and we spent the time drinking red wine and scotch, and taking it in turns playing our favourite music. Mine was stuff like the Eagles, Hozier, meatloaf, you know, like cool stuff!

Someone, not me, decided that one of their favourites was ‘Amore’, I think by Dean Martin. Seriously, how don’t people slit their own throats when forced to listen to that shit. It might have been cool forty years ago, but now, it’s just a punishment!

Despite certain lame musical choices, it was a good evening, and we ended up finishing at about 0315 in the morning. I have seen footage of the evening and I ended up dancing with another man, but there was nothing weird about it, as no tongues were involved.

Quote of the month, by someone whom we’ll call anonymous to protect him:

Anonymous: This coffee tastes like hickory
Me: what the hell does hickory taste like; why would you even be licking wood?
Anonymous: You know, it reminds me of Camp coffee.
Me: You mean chicory, you dumbass!
Anonymous: Well, they probably taste the same.

2nd Quote of the month by same person as above:
Anonymous: My knives are magnetic
Jim (intrigued): How Do You mean?
Anonymous: They stick to the magnetic strip on the wall.
Jim (no longer intrigued): Or perhaps, dumbass, they're made of metal and stick to the magnetic strip because of that.
Anonymous: Oh yeah, I hadn’t thought of that.

Statement of the month:
Julie: Oh look, they do the same mattresses in this catalogue as those in the Premier Inn.
Jim: What you mean it’s covered in spunk, loneliness, and disappointment, also, Lenny Henry’s wiped his arse all over them?
Julie: There’s no need to be like that!

Kev, a friend from Brunssum stayed for the weekend, and i showed him the pleasures that make up King's Lynn. We had a gentle* pub crawl on Sunday night and hit the decent pubs in Lynn - the Lattice House, the Globe, Nip and Growler, and finally, the the Wenns. by then we were both bored(ish) and son number 1 picked us up and took us to the best steakhouse in Lynn, where we finished off.

I shall re-emphasise just how boring and empty my life is, and say that, that is all the exciting stuff that has happened to me in the past couple of months. Also, if you managed to get this far without yawning - you're a better person than me.

That's it for this month.

*There is no other kind for me at my age.